tequila makes me forget i have legs
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
