I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize