Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
