I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
