WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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