I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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