The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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