a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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