I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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