just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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