i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
