how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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