Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
