I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
