i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
