martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
