My room smells like vodka and shame
You can't motorboat a personality
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
