I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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