I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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