I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
