yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
