God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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