My cat gives me a boner
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
