It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
