I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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