this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize