i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
