girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
