She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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