Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
