Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is wine microwaveable?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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