I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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