just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
