I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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