I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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