I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
