Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
