I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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