Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
