so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
