How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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