please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
