I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
