I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
