my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
