whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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