If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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