Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
