they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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