Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
