I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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