god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
