His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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