She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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