i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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