so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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