It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
